I remember the colors that Spring morning. My Dad had just passed after a devastatingly lengthy illness and I was outside on the patio with my future husband. The desert sky was a crisp cerulean blue. The bouganvillla a deep rich vermillion. The birds were happily chirping in the palo verde tree that was filled with abundant golden yellow blossoms. The pomegranate trees were in flower while the scent of orange blossoms filled the air. Yes, the air was sweet but my heart was heavy.
My father and I had always butted heads throughout the years and his death though inevitable was still difficult to bear. All the unsaid feelings, the fears, the misunderstandings, the rage, the "unlovingness" and the illness stood between us. I felt the gulf widening and new this too would not be repaired.
The night of his death I called a Buddhist friend who gently told me that our relationship had not ended. It simply had changed. In my grief and sorrow of his passing and the guilt that came with it I asked her, "How will I know he's alright? He needs to be allright now. She reminded me to meditate on that thought and to think of an image in my mind. Choose something from this earth that I delighted in that would become a sign. It could be a feather, a penny, a cloud formation. Some thing would let me know.
I thought of one of my favorite creatures. The Anna Hummingbird. In my neighborhood they are out and about most everyday of the year. In the Springtime they are especially busy. The best nectar out for the taking.. So, I thought of my hummingbird. That would be it. Dad, if you can hear me. Let me know your allright. Send me a hummingbird.
I will never forget that morning. I sat down. I sipped from the morning cup. And the most beautiful irridescent green hummingbird flew down from that Pomegranate tree. Making a beeline right to me. He hovered at my shoulder for an instant and said his goodbyes.
I love you too Dad...
My father and I had always butted heads throughout the years and his death though inevitable was still difficult to bear. All the unsaid feelings, the fears, the misunderstandings, the rage, the "unlovingness" and the illness stood between us. I felt the gulf widening and new this too would not be repaired.
The night of his death I called a Buddhist friend who gently told me that our relationship had not ended. It simply had changed. In my grief and sorrow of his passing and the guilt that came with it I asked her, "How will I know he's alright? He needs to be allright now. She reminded me to meditate on that thought and to think of an image in my mind. Choose something from this earth that I delighted in that would become a sign. It could be a feather, a penny, a cloud formation. Some thing would let me know.
I thought of one of my favorite creatures. The Anna Hummingbird. In my neighborhood they are out and about most everyday of the year. In the Springtime they are especially busy. The best nectar out for the taking.. So, I thought of my hummingbird. That would be it. Dad, if you can hear me. Let me know your allright. Send me a hummingbird.
I will never forget that morning. I sat down. I sipped from the morning cup. And the most beautiful irridescent green hummingbird flew down from that Pomegranate tree. Making a beeline right to me. He hovered at my shoulder for an instant and said his goodbyes.
I love you too Dad...
